New music Tuesday

Oh how I love you, new music Tuesday. You make my life so much more fun. Only managed to come home with 2 of the 3 new disks I was looking for. Hopefully tomorrow I can find the missing addition to the music collection. Though it's tough to keep up with who keeps putting out new music when the collection gets this big. Too many artists to try and keep up with.

Back assward boss

Nothing irritates me more than bosses who don't know crap. Maybe that's not the right phrasing. Nothing irritates me more than when intelligent people make a stupid call and won't back you up. Our department was told by our boss how he wanted stuff done. We've been doing it his way with no complaints on our end. Now, we knew the whole time this was gonna bite us in the ass at some point. Today was the day. We were called out and instead of our boss saying he told us to do it "way A" he threw us under the bus. I hate people.

It's been forever

It's been a good bit of time, old friend. What's been going on? Nothing really. Just the exact same thing day in and day out. It's too bad that my life isn't terribly exciting. I'm a horrible creature of routine. There's just something comforting about knowing what you'll be doing for the next few days. Maybe tomorrow something fun will happen and I'll actually have something to write about.

Took a break

It's been awhile, thought I might sit down and fire this thing up again. I'm sitting here on a rainy
Saturday afternoon just completely relaxing. I'm not sure why I haven't written anything lately. Let's see what's been going on...

Work is still work. I'm just about done doing the same thing everyday though. The repetition is starting to get old. I still know I'm not getting paid for the work I put it. I've said it before, I'll say it again just to remind you... I'm damn good at my job. Charles River is lucky to have me. I just wish I'd see that pay raise that we all talked about a few months ago.

Everything else is still the same as well. Single and trying to live life as best I can. Softball is just about over for the spring season. Only a week left in each league. And I've officially decided to only play on one team in the fall. I enjoy playing, I'm always trying to get better. Just something about the Charleston team has soured me. I think it's the attitudes involved. I just want to play and have fun. Socialize. We're not getting paid to play, some people think they're good enough to get paid. They're not. It's rec league softball. It's supposed to be fun. I'll spend the summer working on my swing again and more practicing in the field. Hopefully I won't continue to suck.

I believe that's about it. I continue to try and meet new people. I met a couple of new people last night, and Yanks at that. Something about Northerners living down here just seems to piss of the locals. That's fine by me, it gives me something to laugh at. Hopefully soon I'll find somebody I actually enjoy spending time with and she'll feel the same way. Single is fun, but I do better in a relationship.

Yup, now I'm done. Off to find something to do for the rest of the afternoon. Enjoy the day kiddos!

Saturday so far

I figured since I was just sitting here relaxing I might take a minute to do some typing. A small group of us went out last night for Carissa's "divorce party." While it wasn't really a party, we still seemed to do okay. I talked to her this morning. Sounds like she's a little hurting but had fun. Which of course was the most important part of the evening. I'm sitting here now messaging a friend who seems to have constant relationship troubles. I think it's more about her feeling like she has to be with somebody. Like if she's single she's a failure at something. I guess I can relate to it. Though not so much anymore. While I would like to be with somebody I don't feel I need to. I'm better at being in a relationship but I do okay on my own. So I guess I'll be chatting a bit more then a small dinner. The of course the fights. Man don't I love watching them. Hopefully the bar won't be too packed and we'll be able to get a seat for the whole thing. Enjoy the day!

Repeat

This is going to sound like the exact same stuff I've been talking to a couple people about for the last couple of days but I need to get this out so hopefully I can be done with it and move on.

I had a great time on vacation. I wished the weather had been a little sweeter but still I wasn't at work so in my head at least the sun was shining. Of course, I drank. A lot. Everyday I was gone as a matter of fact. I saw friends but still didn't see everybody I wanted to. The problem in particular stems from one evening. Me being me, I said some stuff I was thinking needed to be said. Turns out I was pretty damn wrong.

I've talked to pretty much all of you about the whole damn thing. I don't throw "I love you" around. We'd said it back and forth before, for a long time at that. Something in my brain said it was ok to go ahead and spill my guts. I hate putting myself out there like that. I was really hurt in the divorce. Now while I've continued to be the same caring person I constantly worry I'm going to get hurt again. Something about the situation just felt right. And so I said everything that was hiding in the back of my head. I'm not mad that I did. Just disappointed I set myself up to get hurt knowing how everything would get received.

I've been thinking about all the advice I've received. I really am sure I care about her. More than anybody in a really long time. I am tired of being single. I'm not good at it. I am good at being in a relationship. I do miss it, the feelings that come with it. I may be reaching out for some thought or perception of what I want without looking at what's really there. Everything I said is true. I'd drop everything and move back towards Maine. The idea of kids still freaks me out but I think it's worth it. I get the phone calls, tears on the other end of the phone. So and so treats me like crap. So and so doesn't love me enough. So and so said this while angry and it hurt. How is it fair to me to be on the receiving end of that stuff when I know I would never be that guy. I've given you a better option. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But I know I'm worth giving it a chance. Look past the physical crap. Find somebody who'd treat you better. Find somebody who'd realize how lucky he is to be in your life. I don't think you can. All I want is to see my friends happy. Truely happy. And I know I should be a big part of that.

That being said, I'm done with it. I'm not happy with the way I feel right now. I'm going to take some time and push this crap down. Bury it again like I had for the last year or so.

The end

So, yet again, I've come to the end of another return trip to "Vacationland." I'm sitting here killing time and trying to get everything I brought back into my suitcase. It was another fun trip back up here, and I actually got a chance to see just about everybody I wanted to spend time with. Just a couple of hiccups this trip. I did have one panic attack on Tuesday. Kinda hit me all of a sudden and really messed me up for a couple hours. My father's uncle passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday evening. I'm pretty sure I'll be going to a funeral in Florida pretty much as soon as I get back to Charleston. And, surprise surprise, Gram went back into the hospital while I was here. Luckily only for half a day but still... And of course, I went ahead and said some crap that I wished I hadn't.

It's been great to see everybody again. I think I'll try to get through the week to come and then really start thinking about making some more changes in my life. Seems like I end up doing this every couple of months. Nothing like a work in progress. No better way to find out how you really feel about people than by putting it all out there and waiting for a response.

Back to reality, as it were. Time to find some quick dinner and maybe curl up on the couch for a bit.