Forward progress

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."

And that about summarizes where I think I'm at today. I'm trying to get myself pointed in the right direction emotionally. And I think I'm at the point where I need to stop, turn around, and start over on a new road.

I've warned more than a few people I'm fully capable of being an asshole. I still think I'm a nice person by nature. I think the asshole comes out when I'm defending myself or when I've just had enough of someone's crap. And I've noticed lately that the amount of crap I feel like dealing with is getting smaller and smaller. I'm still trying to understand why I act like an asshole in an effort to push people away. I'm guessing it's just the level my level of immaturity. And a show of selfishness. I'm very flexible, and I'll give you the world if you ask for it. So when I ask for something and don't get it, I get extremely frustrated. I may just have to lower the standards some more I guess. I don't ever expect perfection from people. But I think I hold them to the same standards I hold myself to. And that's not fair to you at all. No offense, but you can't keep up with me. I set my own bar extremely high so I have something to push for every single day. I set attainable goals, but throw in a couple that I'll have to really drive for to get done. I guess that I've always assumed that other people do the same thing. Maybe I'm very wrong.

So, now's the time to turn around. Let's get back to the fork in the road and really look at the other road for a second. I won't change who I am as a person, we all know that. But since I'm still working on changing my perception of things, maybe a change in scenery will help.

I spend a ton of time focusing on what' coming next. What's the next step, what's the next move? That kind of thing. I was thinking about it last night actually. So, what if that's wrong? What if I'm not spending enough time in "right now?"

I'm a big planner. I like making plans and try hard not to change them. It gives me something to look forward to. It also gives me something to focus on. You know me, I get really mentally bored really quickly. I still enjoy my day to day stuff. I don't want to say that I don't live "in the now." But I may not focus quite as much on what's going on around me as I should. I say may not because I think I do an ok job. My day to day stuff is a routine, and I like my routine. And I'll still continue to plan. Weekends don't come fast enough normally. And it seems like I'm running pretty much all day every weekend. Which is great! I'm a social guy, I like interacting with people. But I think for the short term at least I'm going to just live in the moment and make sure those moments are amazing.


“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” John M. Richardson Jr

Something I read.

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”


When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.

Keeping on the theme

What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?

And the next step is?

So what's the next step once you decide to fix the things about yourself that you don't necessarily like?

I'm going to try working on my shyness again I think. If you put me in a room full of people I don't know, I kinda shut down for just a bit. I can have a conversation with just about anyone. And on just about any topic. I'm fairly well educated and have been exposed to a ton of stuff. That being said, it takes a while before my comfort level is high enough to start talking. So that's what I'm going to work on next. I'm thinking I want to cut down that time to only a couple of minutes. To start at least. I'd like to be able to walk into a group and immediately begin talking when this is all said and done. The problem is this... how do you force social context? I'm not into the bar scene enough to start going out all the time just to be forced to interact. I'm thinking I'm going to try to start making the social circle larger. Start hanging out with friends of friends at first. That's a fairly safe way to get the ball rolling.

So, it's time for you friends of friends to start doing more fun things. I know the weather will be warmer soon, let's start making plans.

And I'll leave you with this...

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose”

George Carlin

Just in the mood for a random quote...

I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.

The trouble with being hot headed.

The trouble with being hot headed is dealing with the consequences after. I'm a very passionate person. Unfortunately, not always in a good way. I tend to get fired up really quickly, often times over what seems like the smallest stuff. It's because I have a hard time letting go of things. I'm not over sensitive, but I take the things that people I care about say to me to heart. Sometimes when I'm not supposed to.

I will defend myself and my friends in some of the meanest ways possible. I fight dirty. I know that I do. I'm working on it still. I had it almost fixed for a long time, but have had a few regressions lately. So here's the scenario. I get irritated just a little and say something about it bugging me but never really addressing the problem. A couple of days later something totally unrelated pisses me off too. And again, I metion that something needs to be addressed but it doesn't. Because I have such a hard time turning off my head, I stew on stuff. Again, something I'm really working on but I'm still a huge work in progress. So after just having something eat at me for a couple of days I'll finally just snap and lash out. And often times at someone who doesn't deserve it. So if that's been you on the receiving end ever, I'm sorry. You know I'm sorry, I always apologize after. But the trouble with being really hot headed is I never let anything sit. I make all kinds of decisions when I'm really angry or really hurt. And of course, they're not the real things I want to happen. But words spoken can't be taken back. No matter how hard I try sometimes.

I know that I'm a good person. I know that I'm a better friend. It's something I try hard at every single day. But I don't always work on myself hard enough. I'm a work in progress and I make a ton of mistakes. But given my larger than life personality, the mistakes aren't ever small. I blow things way out of proportion most times. My issues are my own and I'll ask every one of you to understand that. You all say you know me pretty well. And I think most of you do. So just understand that I'm going to make mistakes. Most likely some pretty huge ones. But if you give me the chance, I'll always try harder to fix them than I did to cause them. You should know that nothing I've ever said in anger is the truth. You should know that I still care about you, those of you in the small circle at least. But understand that I really value your friendship and your opinions. So things you say to me get taken seriously and to heart. I know that I'm a pain in the ass sometimes. But if you look at the positive things I do, that should out weigh the work that I undo every argument. I'm trying to get my baggage under control. I have massive trust issues. But I've worked hard to get the baggage from the foot locker size down to just the carry on. It's still baggage though, just bear with me a little longer please.