Saturday so far

I figured since I was just sitting here relaxing I might take a minute to do some typing. A small group of us went out last night for Carissa's "divorce party." While it wasn't really a party, we still seemed to do okay. I talked to her this morning. Sounds like she's a little hurting but had fun. Which of course was the most important part of the evening. I'm sitting here now messaging a friend who seems to have constant relationship troubles. I think it's more about her feeling like she has to be with somebody. Like if she's single she's a failure at something. I guess I can relate to it. Though not so much anymore. While I would like to be with somebody I don't feel I need to. I'm better at being in a relationship but I do okay on my own. So I guess I'll be chatting a bit more then a small dinner. The of course the fights. Man don't I love watching them. Hopefully the bar won't be too packed and we'll be able to get a seat for the whole thing. Enjoy the day!

Repeat

This is going to sound like the exact same stuff I've been talking to a couple people about for the last couple of days but I need to get this out so hopefully I can be done with it and move on.

I had a great time on vacation. I wished the weather had been a little sweeter but still I wasn't at work so in my head at least the sun was shining. Of course, I drank. A lot. Everyday I was gone as a matter of fact. I saw friends but still didn't see everybody I wanted to. The problem in particular stems from one evening. Me being me, I said some stuff I was thinking needed to be said. Turns out I was pretty damn wrong.

I've talked to pretty much all of you about the whole damn thing. I don't throw "I love you" around. We'd said it back and forth before, for a long time at that. Something in my brain said it was ok to go ahead and spill my guts. I hate putting myself out there like that. I was really hurt in the divorce. Now while I've continued to be the same caring person I constantly worry I'm going to get hurt again. Something about the situation just felt right. And so I said everything that was hiding in the back of my head. I'm not mad that I did. Just disappointed I set myself up to get hurt knowing how everything would get received.

I've been thinking about all the advice I've received. I really am sure I care about her. More than anybody in a really long time. I am tired of being single. I'm not good at it. I am good at being in a relationship. I do miss it, the feelings that come with it. I may be reaching out for some thought or perception of what I want without looking at what's really there. Everything I said is true. I'd drop everything and move back towards Maine. The idea of kids still freaks me out but I think it's worth it. I get the phone calls, tears on the other end of the phone. So and so treats me like crap. So and so doesn't love me enough. So and so said this while angry and it hurt. How is it fair to me to be on the receiving end of that stuff when I know I would never be that guy. I've given you a better option. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But I know I'm worth giving it a chance. Look past the physical crap. Find somebody who'd treat you better. Find somebody who'd realize how lucky he is to be in your life. I don't think you can. All I want is to see my friends happy. Truely happy. And I know I should be a big part of that.

That being said, I'm done with it. I'm not happy with the way I feel right now. I'm going to take some time and push this crap down. Bury it again like I had for the last year or so.

The end

So, yet again, I've come to the end of another return trip to "Vacationland." I'm sitting here killing time and trying to get everything I brought back into my suitcase. It was another fun trip back up here, and I actually got a chance to see just about everybody I wanted to spend time with. Just a couple of hiccups this trip. I did have one panic attack on Tuesday. Kinda hit me all of a sudden and really messed me up for a couple hours. My father's uncle passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday evening. I'm pretty sure I'll be going to a funeral in Florida pretty much as soon as I get back to Charleston. And, surprise surprise, Gram went back into the hospital while I was here. Luckily only for half a day but still... And of course, I went ahead and said some crap that I wished I hadn't.

It's been great to see everybody again. I think I'll try to get through the week to come and then really start thinking about making some more changes in my life. Seems like I end up doing this every couple of months. Nothing like a work in progress. No better way to find out how you really feel about people than by putting it all out there and waiting for a response.

Back to reality, as it were. Time to find some quick dinner and maybe curl up on the couch for a bit.

Wednesday

I've been back in Maine since Saturday, and back in Winslow since Monday morning. It's almost time for me to get back on the road to the Portland area and I think that I've had enough of the area. It's nice to come back to where you "grew up" and see that nothing has really changed. But that's also a little depressing. It's been 14 years, and nothings has really changed. I still manage to see the same people from years ago. I don't have a problem with staying here, it's a nice town. I guess I just don't understand the need to never get out there and give life a shot. Must be something about that comfort zone.

Back in Maine

I arrived yesterday with no delays at the airports or real problems. Though for a reason my credit card company can't explain to me by card didn't work to hold my rental. It's not a balance issue, that much I do know but that made me scratch my head a bit. Had a good lunch at Sebago, started drinking at 2. Hung out with a few of my friends last night. Managed to get drunk and stay awake for a full 24 hours before I hit the pillow. Slept for 5 hours, which is good for me when I get that drunk. I usually can only manage around 3. Now I'm up, clean and smelling good. Time to find some grub and some trouble. What is there to do in the Portland area on a Sunday anyway, it seems I've forgotten.