Repeat

This is going to sound like the exact same stuff I've been talking to a couple people about for the last couple of days but I need to get this out so hopefully I can be done with it and move on.

I had a great time on vacation. I wished the weather had been a little sweeter but still I wasn't at work so in my head at least the sun was shining. Of course, I drank. A lot. Everyday I was gone as a matter of fact. I saw friends but still didn't see everybody I wanted to. The problem in particular stems from one evening. Me being me, I said some stuff I was thinking needed to be said. Turns out I was pretty damn wrong.

I've talked to pretty much all of you about the whole damn thing. I don't throw "I love you" around. We'd said it back and forth before, for a long time at that. Something in my brain said it was ok to go ahead and spill my guts. I hate putting myself out there like that. I was really hurt in the divorce. Now while I've continued to be the same caring person I constantly worry I'm going to get hurt again. Something about the situation just felt right. And so I said everything that was hiding in the back of my head. I'm not mad that I did. Just disappointed I set myself up to get hurt knowing how everything would get received.

I've been thinking about all the advice I've received. I really am sure I care about her. More than anybody in a really long time. I am tired of being single. I'm not good at it. I am good at being in a relationship. I do miss it, the feelings that come with it. I may be reaching out for some thought or perception of what I want without looking at what's really there. Everything I said is true. I'd drop everything and move back towards Maine. The idea of kids still freaks me out but I think it's worth it. I get the phone calls, tears on the other end of the phone. So and so treats me like crap. So and so doesn't love me enough. So and so said this while angry and it hurt. How is it fair to me to be on the receiving end of that stuff when I know I would never be that guy. I've given you a better option. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. But I know I'm worth giving it a chance. Look past the physical crap. Find somebody who'd treat you better. Find somebody who'd realize how lucky he is to be in your life. I don't think you can. All I want is to see my friends happy. Truely happy. And I know I should be a big part of that.

That being said, I'm done with it. I'm not happy with the way I feel right now. I'm going to take some time and push this crap down. Bury it again like I had for the last year or so.