Nope

Well it didn't end up going my way this time. I had managed to pretty much braced myself for this exact ending so I'm not doing too bad at all. The initial disappointment was there but after a good nights sleep I feel ok. I still want to be friends so hopefully this won't change anything. I'm a bit nervous that I'll feel weird as hell the first couple times we talk of course. Only time will tell I guess. But, time to get up and dust myself off. The next ex isn't going to find me just sitting here, time for the new hunt to begin.

The leap

And in keeping with my new found "just go for it" attitude I sent a nice long note to a woman I like. In it I detailed my crush, and my hopes for the future. Those of you who know me should all know just how hard that was for me to do. I don't like feeling vulnerable at all. There was one of those moments when I hit send that I felt myself scream inside. I had intended on having the conversation in person but timing wasn't allowing it. I felt the need to get out there so if there is a chance she feels the same way I could find out sooner rather than later. Unfortunately, time isn't cooperating with me and we've not had a chance to talk about what I said. It's only been a couple of days but since I have a really hard time turning my skull off I'm going crazy. Hopefully we can finally talk it through today. I've pretty much braced myself for it to go the way I don't want it to go. Hopefully that doesn't happen and either way I hope we're still friends after.

See that girl, she knows I'm watching

So my real issue lately has been companionship. I really miss having somebody around to do a lot of things with. I used to consider myself a very independent person. As time has gone on I think I was very wrong. Maybe not very. I'm realizing more and more that I get lonely pretty easily. Normally I'm fine, or at least I think I am. Lately I've been finding myself checking my phone constantly to see if anybody is thinking of me. I'm hoping it's just me being alone around the holidays again that's caused the funk. And I hope to shake it quickly. Or, even more my speed, I hope to find somebody that can see that I have something to offer them. Keep those fingers crossed, I know she's out there somewhere. I just can't ever seem to catch up with her.

Time is on my side, yes it is.

It's been forever and there's so much to say. Well, not really but I'll try and ramble on for a few to help me pass the time.

It's been a decent couple of weeks for me. I started to reconnect with an old friend. I still feel a little weird and know I'm acting a bit off and know she notices it. I'm trying to get back to where we were oh so many months ago. Because of that, I'm feeling a bit of pressure I know I shouldn't. Not from her of course, it's all in my head. I really did miss having her around, pride is a stupid thing sometimes. Hopefully time will get us going in the right direction again.

The group has gotten a bit smaller yet again. While attempting to get myself 100% right I again realize that I try to make too many people happy. Again, the heart is too big and my expectations are never met. Maybe it's because my expectations are too high. If that's the case, let me know and I'll reevaluate my standards. I feel like I should try harder most days. Then I realize that I do try hard and it's not a one way street. That helps and I'm thinking this time this will stick. No more nice words to reel me back in.

And in happier news, I hope I'm making a new friend. We've been emailing back and forth and I think this could be the start of a fun friendship. More to come on this soon I hope.

The last couple of weeks at work have been awful. I dislike so many of the people in that building sometimes. I try not to be a negative person at work. I try not to bring the other people that work with me down. I'm not perfect but I do genuinely try to arrive in a great mood and spread the joy. But unfortunately negative energy spreads faster. Hopefully this trend will stop soon and we can all move along our merry ways.

That's a good start, hope tomorrow I can get the trend going again and go back to having something stupid to say everyday. Goodnite!