Forward progress

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."

And that about summarizes where I think I'm at today. I'm trying to get myself pointed in the right direction emotionally. And I think I'm at the point where I need to stop, turn around, and start over on a new road.

I've warned more than a few people I'm fully capable of being an asshole. I still think I'm a nice person by nature. I think the asshole comes out when I'm defending myself or when I've just had enough of someone's crap. And I've noticed lately that the amount of crap I feel like dealing with is getting smaller and smaller. I'm still trying to understand why I act like an asshole in an effort to push people away. I'm guessing it's just the level my level of immaturity. And a show of selfishness. I'm very flexible, and I'll give you the world if you ask for it. So when I ask for something and don't get it, I get extremely frustrated. I may just have to lower the standards some more I guess. I don't ever expect perfection from people. But I think I hold them to the same standards I hold myself to. And that's not fair to you at all. No offense, but you can't keep up with me. I set my own bar extremely high so I have something to push for every single day. I set attainable goals, but throw in a couple that I'll have to really drive for to get done. I guess that I've always assumed that other people do the same thing. Maybe I'm very wrong.

So, now's the time to turn around. Let's get back to the fork in the road and really look at the other road for a second. I won't change who I am as a person, we all know that. But since I'm still working on changing my perception of things, maybe a change in scenery will help.

I spend a ton of time focusing on what' coming next. What's the next step, what's the next move? That kind of thing. I was thinking about it last night actually. So, what if that's wrong? What if I'm not spending enough time in "right now?"

I'm a big planner. I like making plans and try hard not to change them. It gives me something to look forward to. It also gives me something to focus on. You know me, I get really mentally bored really quickly. I still enjoy my day to day stuff. I don't want to say that I don't live "in the now." But I may not focus quite as much on what's going on around me as I should. I say may not because I think I do an ok job. My day to day stuff is a routine, and I like my routine. And I'll still continue to plan. Weekends don't come fast enough normally. And it seems like I'm running pretty much all day every weekend. Which is great! I'm a social guy, I like interacting with people. But I think for the short term at least I'm going to just live in the moment and make sure those moments are amazing.


“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” John M. Richardson Jr

Something I read.

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”


When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.

Keeping on the theme

What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?

And the next step is?

So what's the next step once you decide to fix the things about yourself that you don't necessarily like?

I'm going to try working on my shyness again I think. If you put me in a room full of people I don't know, I kinda shut down for just a bit. I can have a conversation with just about anyone. And on just about any topic. I'm fairly well educated and have been exposed to a ton of stuff. That being said, it takes a while before my comfort level is high enough to start talking. So that's what I'm going to work on next. I'm thinking I want to cut down that time to only a couple of minutes. To start at least. I'd like to be able to walk into a group and immediately begin talking when this is all said and done. The problem is this... how do you force social context? I'm not into the bar scene enough to start going out all the time just to be forced to interact. I'm thinking I'm going to try to start making the social circle larger. Start hanging out with friends of friends at first. That's a fairly safe way to get the ball rolling.

So, it's time for you friends of friends to start doing more fun things. I know the weather will be warmer soon, let's start making plans.

And I'll leave you with this...

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose”

George Carlin

Just in the mood for a random quote...

I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.

The trouble with being hot headed.

The trouble with being hot headed is dealing with the consequences after. I'm a very passionate person. Unfortunately, not always in a good way. I tend to get fired up really quickly, often times over what seems like the smallest stuff. It's because I have a hard time letting go of things. I'm not over sensitive, but I take the things that people I care about say to me to heart. Sometimes when I'm not supposed to.

I will defend myself and my friends in some of the meanest ways possible. I fight dirty. I know that I do. I'm working on it still. I had it almost fixed for a long time, but have had a few regressions lately. So here's the scenario. I get irritated just a little and say something about it bugging me but never really addressing the problem. A couple of days later something totally unrelated pisses me off too. And again, I metion that something needs to be addressed but it doesn't. Because I have such a hard time turning off my head, I stew on stuff. Again, something I'm really working on but I'm still a huge work in progress. So after just having something eat at me for a couple of days I'll finally just snap and lash out. And often times at someone who doesn't deserve it. So if that's been you on the receiving end ever, I'm sorry. You know I'm sorry, I always apologize after. But the trouble with being really hot headed is I never let anything sit. I make all kinds of decisions when I'm really angry or really hurt. And of course, they're not the real things I want to happen. But words spoken can't be taken back. No matter how hard I try sometimes.

I know that I'm a good person. I know that I'm a better friend. It's something I try hard at every single day. But I don't always work on myself hard enough. I'm a work in progress and I make a ton of mistakes. But given my larger than life personality, the mistakes aren't ever small. I blow things way out of proportion most times. My issues are my own and I'll ask every one of you to understand that. You all say you know me pretty well. And I think most of you do. So just understand that I'm going to make mistakes. Most likely some pretty huge ones. But if you give me the chance, I'll always try harder to fix them than I did to cause them. You should know that nothing I've ever said in anger is the truth. You should know that I still care about you, those of you in the small circle at least. But understand that I really value your friendship and your opinions. So things you say to me get taken seriously and to heart. I know that I'm a pain in the ass sometimes. But if you look at the positive things I do, that should out weigh the work that I undo every argument. I'm trying to get my baggage under control. I have massive trust issues. But I've worked hard to get the baggage from the foot locker size down to just the carry on. It's still baggage though, just bear with me a little longer please.

And here we go!

"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”

Change your life!

I think I've talked about this before but it's come back around again and pissed me off so here we go again. IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR LIFE, FUCKING CHANGE IT! For some reason, you fucking people think I exist solely to listen to you bitch about your life. If your life is really as fucking miserable as you constantly tell me it is, then fucking do something about it. "My boyfriend treats me like crap." THEN FUCKING LEAVE! "I hate my job." SO FUCKING FIND A NEW ONE! "My life is just shitty." SO FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I'm not big on pity. I'm not going to throw you a pity party. I try really hard to be in a good mood every day I get out of bed. And believe me, there are some days I just want to stay in bed. But the next mother fucker who responds with "What's so good about it!" when I say good morning is getting drop kicked. I'm really fucking tired of all of your shit. Change is hard, I agree with you. But if you're that fucking miserable, then it's time for a change. I quit my job, packed up a small u-haul trailer, moved down the east coast and got divorced in the same month. Change sucks, but sometimes you just have to sack up and do it. Play time is over kids. It's the tough love/come to Jesus point of my life. You're going to start hearing things from me that aren't what you want to hear. Or what you'd ever thought you'd hear me say. I'll still care about you, I'll still support you. But I'm done putting up with your crap on a daily basis. Get ready mother fuckers. I told you 2011 was going to be a big year. And if you're not keeping up then you're getting dropped. That's the reality of the situation. Deal with the changes. And there's lesson number 1!

The point in crying...

I understand that when you women get upset every wire gets crossed. And I understand the need for a good cry session once in a while. But you all know I'm just a huge softie when women I care about cry. It eats me up inside. I know I'm not the cause of the pain at all but it still sucks for me too. All I want to do is give you a big hug, promise you everything will be okay and take every ounce of pain away.

Top 5 lists

I'm sure I've asked everyone this question once or maybe even twice before but here we go again. Who are your top 5 "Rock" vocalists. Rock style music here kids, none of that country garbage. And male and female is fine. I always love a woman with a great voice more. Here's mine, in no particular after #1.

1. Chris Cornell. Hands down, he's got the best over all rock voice in my opinion. I don't particularly like his solo stuff but he just sounds like what a front man should.

2. Freddie Mecury. All talent, all range and he just really put it out there. More points would be awarded for showmanship but this is solely a vocal talent only poll.

3. Layne Staley. Nothing really dynamic about his singing style but he just put everything into it. And makes it sound effortless.

4. Dallas Green. All heart and soul, raw emotion. And I don't care what band you put behind him, it's going to sound like real rock.

5. Robert Plant. I'm not a huge fan of Zeppelin but growing up on it made me appreciate his style.

That's my start, I welcome your opinion. I do love a good music debate.

Has that warm feeling.

Every know and then it's nice to hear that your opinion matters. I've got a few people that consistently ask me for advice. I always offer my opinion. You know me, I've got opinions. ;) And I don't for one second expect anyone to actually follow my advice or take my opinion as something akin to the word of God. But for someone to actually that my opinion of them is important is nice. I've only got a couple of people in my life whose opinion of me and the choices I make is important. And though they don't always agree with the decisions I make but no matter what I've still got support. And that's important. I've been trying harder over the last couple of years to not be so quick to judge. Seems it's actually working. To the couple of you who I know are reading this I'll say the following. I'll support any decision you make. I'll be here no matter what. And even if you move all the way across the country, my phone is always on. And to hear that my opinion is important means a ton to me. I don't always give great advice, but I try hard to think about what I say before I speak. And to know that I matter when it comes to big decisions is nice to hear. Thank you. And thank you for being my friend even when I do some really stupid crap.

When I get sad...

I know it's scripted and all but my go to line for this year is going to be the following. "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True story!"

Let it sink in for just a second. It's good. And since I've already had a pretty fun 2011, I'm going to keep it rolling for the next 361 days. Sure, there will be moments where things will win and get me down. But there's an easy way to move past it. Mind over matter is going to play a huge roll this year. Time spent being negative or sad is wasted time.

That being said though, I'm done being a push over. I've let myself get used in the past when I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. Or when I just wanted someone to like/appreciate me. I'm done selling myself to people. I figure it's entirely their loss if I'm not in their lives. Pardon the swagger, but I know the level of amazing I bring to the table. Sure, I've got issues and some baggage. But this year is a big year for me, personally. A ton of the baggage is getting lost, maybe sent to the wrong airport. And I don't want it back, keep that stuff.

So here's what you need to get out of this. I'll still be your friend. I'll still make new friends, meet new people often. But the attitude re-adjustment will stick around longer this time. I'm going to be a bit selfish this year. I think I've earned it. I've been selfless for the last 5 years. Sure, I say I've said I was being selfish in the last year but I never was. Not anymore. Oh, and I'm going to start calling you out on stuff. I may not have before, but I will now. I won't be a complete asshole, but the glum, pessimistic Michael is gone. I do big things. I do work. Get yourself on point, on message and let's get this done.