Just cause I can't stop listening to this album...

"Little Hell"

What if I can't be all that you need me to be
We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep
But my addiction it can be such a detriment
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent

What if everything’s just the way that it will be
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief
My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart
And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

So when we leave it'll be a quick midnight escape
We'll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday
I'll dig for water and fashion our very own wishing well
Then we'll throw our coins down hoping to rid of us of this little hell

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell

Back in the saddle again...

Yet again it's been a hot minute.  Time to stop the bullshitting and get back to it.  But you know how it goes, time is in heavy demand.  Looks like everything is starting to get into a nice summer rhythm so I should be able to get back into the stable routine.

So what's been going on?  Nothing amazing, just staying constantly busy and moving forward.  The only thing I've been admittedly slack on are the work outs.  Nothing like putting 9 pounds on in 2 months to get you fully motivated.  It's something I'd been putting off, hoping I could do it my way, but it's that time.  The D word.  Diet.  My work in the gym has been good, when I'm there.  But I have been eating what ever I want.  And drinking most weekends.  Well, I've got a couple more hours left to enjoy life.  Starting at midnight, no more soda or beer.  And I'm headed back to eating way better.  Zero fast food, cutting the intake down again to about 1800 calories a day.  Plus going back to 2 workouts a day, 5 days a week with 1 long workout on the weekend.  So heres a toast to the next couple of months of being miserable.  I know it'll be worth it,  I should be slightly less than 3 months away from my goal weight.

Well, that's all the time I have for this evening.  It's about time for a crappy movie with Nick.  I do love the routine!

Real quick

This is going to serve as a heads up for those of you who don't seem to understand me on this one point. Take notes, I'm not going over it again. Not terribly often, something you may say in jest will either offend me or hurt my feelings. And, unlike everyone else you all seem to deal with, I'll tell you immediately that it bugged me. I'm not looking for an apology, I'm just letting you know so that you won't do it again. The worst possible response in this situation is "Suck it up, it was a joke." That single mentality will piss me off to no end. That stems from years of having my feelings, when I did express the ones that weren't anger, dissmissed because "I took something wrong." Guess what... doesn't matter how you meant it. The reality is how I feel at that moment. And if you don't understand that, we're going to have big problems. Cause I work really hard to not dismiss any of your feelings.

Why suicide is a coward move.

I just don't understand people. You have an extended family that obviously cares about you. You have 2 daughters that you care about. I know times are tough, and I know it's a sickness. But just so you know in advance, if you make it through all this crap I'm going to kick your ass. Literally, I'm going to get on a plane, come to your house and severely kick your ass. I know we don't talk as often now as we used to, but we're still close. So you should be able to tell me what's going on in your head. I know you miss your mom and Gram. We all do. But to take the easy and extremely selfish road out is a chicken shit move. And don't think I'm going to forget this crap either.

And yet nothing happens.

I feel a little slack right now. It's been a while since I've sat down and started writing again. The only issue is that after sitting here and thinking for a bit, I've got nothing to write about. There's a ton of things going on in my life right now. But nothing really stressing me out. Or nothing interesting enough to feel the need to vent. Which is good because it just proves that I tend to lead a pretty damn drama free life. It seems that other people spend a pretty good amount of time bringing it to my doorstep. But, since I'm not entertaining the thought of dealing with it, it's gotten smaller and smaller. I've stopped talking to a couple of the people that kept it coming. Which was a tough decision, but why deal with whores when you don't have to!?

Alright, it's time to catch up with Nick who I've barely seen lately. And that of course means us hanging out and mocking a crappy movie. Ahh, good times!!

Damaged women

Sean and I were talking about this yesterday, guess it's a topic good enough to start off the day.

We'll call her Girl D. She and I have been hanging out fairly regularly for close to 3 weeks now. And not just in a post midnight kind of way. It's still nothing serious at all, I think we both just seem to enjoy the company. Which is absolutely fine. Sometimes I really do just enjoy a nice chill evening relaxing with good company. I can't sit here now and tell you a damn thing "wrong" with her. She's pretty, funny, extremely intelligent and can keep up with the way my mind works. And for some reason, that all kind of frightens me. And Sean summed it up best. I like girls that are a little damaged. Quirky. Carrying around some baggage. He doesn't think I like the fix-er-uppers, but thinks I'm slightly drawn to the ones that need some help. Which, when we looked back at the girls I've spent any real time with, makes perfect sense.

So the dilemma is the following... what now? I think the only logical course of action is to just ignore my dumb ass and keep on moving forward. I know the group would like to see me with someone "normal." I've worked too hard on my own demons to try and take on someone else's. I'm guessing some time soon she and I will have to sit down and have the talk. And not the "let's make this serious" talk. It's the "watch out for the dumb ass that is me" talk. I'm confident she'll understand though. She already gets me, the extra info would only help her out. And if she turns tail and bails, I wouldn't blame her.

I've got nothing

It's been a busy stretch, but for some reason I'm at a loss for a topic. I could sit here and vent, but I've really got nothing worth venting about. That's not to say there's nothing going on, but I've got it almost all fully managed for right now. So, I'll leave you with a couple quick quotes and hope that tomorrow's posting is a bit more exciting.


"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.”