I'm actually really content that now I don't have to worry about trying to be in a relationship. Not that I didn't want to, but there was a higher level of worry that had been just kind of in the back of my head since we started. Setting yourself up to get hurt is crappy. I had an idea that at some point I was going to get burned again.
Here's what I mean by burned again. When someone else admits they have feelings for you, you tend to let your guard down. So I did. Months spent putting walls up so I wouldn't get hurt and a few sweet words tear them right down. So once they're down, then what? Well I let myself start to feel something. It's feelings I hadn't let myself feel in a long time. Well, then what you might ask. You find out that the timing is wrong and it's decided that "us" is just a bad idea. So now I get to try and erase feelings that I didn't want to have in the first place. Unfortunately that doesn't happen overnight. Over a week? Not really either. I can sit there and tell myself exactly what I should be feeling. I can sit there and almost talk myself out of having any feelings at all. Then she cries. Not because of anything I've done, but because of guys that don't appreciate someone who actually cares. And just like that I fall back to the feelings I was just about done burying.
And here I sit today. I've dumped as much water on the fire as I could. I've pushed the flame down to an ember. It's still there, it may not go away anytime soon. I guess I'm ok with that. But I want my walls back. I'm tired of giving people chances. I seem to be consistently let down.
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