A repetitive man...

Sometimes I just want to smash my head into a wall to turn it off. Not really hard enough to do any real or permanant damage, but just hard enough to hit the reset button. I've always had a hard time getting out of my own way. Sometimes I just don't know how to actually listen to my own advice.

I had a real tight grip on everything for a long while finally. I put together a good few months, everything was going well. The last month and some change have been a revert. I'll blame the holidays and how I feel about them but that's not it. It's the now almost constant feeling of vulnerability. Not because I was taken advantage of or anything like that. It's because I finally stopped and actually listened to the feelings I was pushing past. That has gone against every single defense I've put up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry. I was very bitter for a long while. It's good to know now that I still have the ablility to care about somebody else. The timing was just wrong. Does that make me happy? Not at all. I had always hoped that someone special would actually see how good I'd treat them and accept it. But it always seems that I find the ones that just aren't ready.

I hear the same old song and dance. It's the same broken record that I'm now sitting her talking about. I'm not sure if it's just the people I'm meeting or the fact that I'm maybe a little more emotionally scarred than I realize. I've tried hard to bury the past, knowing that not every situation will end badly. But then it's always easier to not allow myself to get emotionally involved and just save myself the disappointment.

So what's the next step? Do I just push forward, content to be single? Do I actually stop and take the time to let myself feel something again? As of today I'm not sure. Each option has pros and cons. It may be a great thing to actually stop and think about and even write down. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, that's exactly what I'm going to do. A pros and cons list. Single -vs- relationship. That's the agenda for tomorrow. This should get really interesting, now I'm a little more excited.