Another year down!

And in just another few hours, 2010 will be just another year in the books. So let's look back at it for a minute. I've had a good year. There have been a few hiccups but it's really been a good year.

There's been a couple of amazing albums added to the library. And I've been introduced to a couple artists that I can't stop listening to. Not to mention the awesome live shows I've seen. See, music never lets me down. Say what you want about the industry as a whole, but good artists still find a way to put out good music.

I've lost touch with a few friends along the way but also found time to really get close with a really amazing woman. Sure, we've argued a bit along the trip, but she's made my life better being a part of it. And that's hard to find these days. And no matter what happens, I see us being friends for a long time. And at least with her around I'll never be bored.

I've been lucky enough to drop a few more pounds in the right spots. And bigger in the right spots too. The goal is still a couple of months away, but getting closer than it was 40 pounds ago. With the new found focus that starts this weekend I'm sure by beach weather I'll be much happier. And with added swagger, which I'm sure is going to be a dangerous thing.

So am I making new years resolutions? Nope. I'm really beginning to get more and more comfortable with who I am as a person. I'm still learning stuff about myself almost every day. I know I'm still very much a work in progress, but at least I'm my own project. Not some one elses. And with the big things now cresting the horizon, I'm confident that 2011 will be an amazing year.

The real question is this... Can you keep up with me? I'm hitting the ground running at a pretty quick pace. That's your warning. Let's see if you can back up all that talk. I know I can.

See, the thing is this...

See, I think what happens is the following. Because I’m really pretty tired of being alone I tend to get emotionally involved with chicks pretty quickly once I realize they may have feelings for me. I settle for the ones in front of me because I really do just want someone to care about me. None of the ones I’ve had an feelings for have been good for me. I know that now. And I’m tired of settling. But it’s getting harder and harder to keep putting myself out there. I was expecting it would go the other way. I figured with time and experience it would get easier. I’m not sure if I’m just going about this whole thing the wrong way or not. As for the last one, I believe she cared about me. But to be able to switch gears that quickly once it started getting serious is baffling. I’m not good at keeping my emotions in check. I’m a really emotional guy. And now, I’m just not sure what to do next.

just something that stuck with me...

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
— Bob Marley

Loud noises

Ever had that album that you just can't seem to put down? Or maybe an artist that everything thing they do is just great to you? Me too!

We all know how I am about music. I'm more obsessed with it than I am my phone. Laugh it up, it's the truth. I can't live without my phone, but I'm more miserable without music. I wouldn't let a minute go by during the day without having something playing if it was possible. I do a pretty good job daily now, but people coming into the office makes me pause the iPod once in a while.

So for like a month now I've been really listening to Emarosa. And the lead singer's solo stuff too. And not just like a little once in a while. Like 3 albums, back to back, over and over again all day long. What I'm shocked by is the fact that I haven't gotten burned out yet. Normally, a couple of run throughs and I'll put it on the shelf for a while. Pretty much every of the 30 total songs are good. Not amazing, but good. The lyrics aren't anything special either. Some of it is whiny, but I don't seem to mind. The whole time I've been typing this, it's been playing. I love my office, I love that I can have it nice and loud playing right at me and nobody else seems to care. Or if they do care, they're not saying anything.

Alright, time to get some more stuff done. Check out Emarosa. And don't forget to look up that damn ginger kid on YouTube if you want a laugh too. Jonny Craig. That dude is rocking the hell outta that mullet still. Maybe that's what's making the music stick with me so much!!! It's impossible to argue with that much of a party in the rear after all that business in the front is taken care of!

I'm not listening...

Or am I? That's right, I sure am. Even with music going, I can carry on multiple conversations easily. I'm great at multi tasking like that. That's also why I do pretty well at gift giving. It's those little comments that you don't think I heard that I really did pay attention to.

That being said, I will sometimes just completely ignore what you said and do whatever I want. I'm grown, that's how I roll. It's not that I didn't listen at all. It's that I didn't like the reality of the situation and have decided to make my own reality. It's just part of that stubborn streak. I'm a great friend due in part to being stubborn. Too stubborn to take "I'm fine" as reality. Too stubborn to let anyone do too much self destructive behavior.

But what I still have a hard time understanding is my seeming ability to just dump people from my life. If I get to the point where I feel I've nothing to gain from the situation, I'll tell ya to kick rocks. Selfish? Not really. It's because, as I'm sure any of my actual friends would tell you, you've got a ton to gain from having me in your life. And that my friends is EGO. I've got a big heart, I'd give you my last dollar or the shirt of my back without even thinking. I guess it's not so hard to understand why I cycle through people so fast actually. The more appropriate thought is why after months of not giving a crap do I care again? How does that work? This has nothing to do with any real situation, but it's happened before. I'm an asshole. I know that, especially if I've felt used or hurt. But then, for some reason, my brain suggests that maybe another chance has been earned. But nothing has been done to earn it. Time passes, people rarely change.

I'm rambling. I'm just killing about 10 minutes and just typing whatever words fall into my thoughts. And now that I've acknowledged it, I'm over writing. Hopefully tomorrow will bring something structured to talk about.

Here's a thought I just had!

I'm actually really content that now I don't have to worry about trying to be in a relationship. Not that I didn't want to, but there was a higher level of worry that had been just kind of in the back of my head since we started. Setting yourself up to get hurt is crappy. I had an idea that at some point I was going to get burned again.

Here's what I mean by burned again. When someone else admits they have feelings for you, you tend to let your guard down. So I did. Months spent putting walls up so I wouldn't get hurt and a few sweet words tear them right down. So once they're down, then what? Well I let myself start to feel something. It's feelings I hadn't let myself feel in a long time. Well, then what you might ask. You find out that the timing is wrong and it's decided that "us" is just a bad idea. So now I get to try and erase feelings that I didn't want to have in the first place. Unfortunately that doesn't happen overnight. Over a week? Not really either. I can sit there and tell myself exactly what I should be feeling. I can sit there and almost talk myself out of having any feelings at all. Then she cries. Not because of anything I've done, but because of guys that don't appreciate someone who actually cares. And just like that I fall back to the feelings I was just about done burying.

And here I sit today. I've dumped as much water on the fire as I could. I've pushed the flame down to an ember. It's still there, it may not go away anytime soon. I guess I'm ok with that. But I want my walls back. I'm tired of giving people chances. I seem to be consistently let down.

A repetitive man...

Sometimes I just want to smash my head into a wall to turn it off. Not really hard enough to do any real or permanant damage, but just hard enough to hit the reset button. I've always had a hard time getting out of my own way. Sometimes I just don't know how to actually listen to my own advice.

I had a real tight grip on everything for a long while finally. I put together a good few months, everything was going well. The last month and some change have been a revert. I'll blame the holidays and how I feel about them but that's not it. It's the now almost constant feeling of vulnerability. Not because I was taken advantage of or anything like that. It's because I finally stopped and actually listened to the feelings I was pushing past. That has gone against every single defense I've put up. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry. I was very bitter for a long while. It's good to know now that I still have the ablility to care about somebody else. The timing was just wrong. Does that make me happy? Not at all. I had always hoped that someone special would actually see how good I'd treat them and accept it. But it always seems that I find the ones that just aren't ready.

I hear the same old song and dance. It's the same broken record that I'm now sitting her talking about. I'm not sure if it's just the people I'm meeting or the fact that I'm maybe a little more emotionally scarred than I realize. I've tried hard to bury the past, knowing that not every situation will end badly. But then it's always easier to not allow myself to get emotionally involved and just save myself the disappointment.

So what's the next step? Do I just push forward, content to be single? Do I actually stop and take the time to let myself feel something again? As of today I'm not sure. Each option has pros and cons. It may be a great thing to actually stop and think about and even write down. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, that's exactly what I'm going to do. A pros and cons list. Single -vs- relationship. That's the agenda for tomorrow. This should get really interesting, now I'm a little more excited.

The conversation of the day...

So today's topic here at work has been a ton of fun. Are we supposed to spend the majority of our lives with just one person? And the secondary topic that came out of it is are we capable of loving more than one person equally?

I'll go first. I don't think we're supposed to spend "forever" with just one person. We're social animals by nature. I think it's been social constructed to have the one "love of my life." I just don't see one person as being enough to forever hold that attention. My parents have been happily married for something like 36 years. I know it's completely possible to spend "forever" with just one person. But does that mean you can't love someone else also? Maybe not as much to start, but over time. I really do think that love is a real feeling. But it's something different to different people. And as a man who wants to be in a monogamous relationship, I know it's possible to forgo all others. But is that because it's what you want to do or what you're supposed to do?

The debate has only just begun, I have the feeling this will last for a while. I know you've got an opinion, share it! That's the whole point. Not every conversation has to be about the weather. Make some of them serious, expand your views and learn about your friends. Do something more important that just gossip. You'll thank me for it later.

Killing a couple of minutes

Geez, I didn't realize how long it's been since I've been on here. How the time flies. At the first advice of a good friend I started writing just about every night a few months ago. It's a ton easier to deal with everything if you just get it out each night and wake up ready to go for something new the next day. And since starting that, I'd completely forgotten about doing this. Maybe, just maybe, I'll go back to doing this instead.

So what's new?! Nothing really. That's kind the of the problem. While I do have a ton of fun stories, nothing I do is really note worthy. I'm thinking that it's time to change that and really get some people fired up. Seems that more than a few people live through my actions sometimes.

The good news is I'm back. It's going to be super random, mostly because that's just the way I do things. Bounce from one idea to the next without a pause at all. Sometimes I really do just love the ADD.

Until the next time, keep it grimey!!!

Like a record

Man, sometimes I just get the feeling like I'm not in control of my life in the least bit. Last Friday was one of those days where everything just came undone. The extra cash I was told would be in my paycheck from the sick time I didn't use in 2009 didn't show up. I had one of those life flashes before my eyes near misses on the way to work in the morning. Work was crap, the people were multiple levels of hate walking around the office all day. I tried to cut out early to get a tattoo, that didn't happen as it's easier to wait until 4 pm on a Friday to try to get some important stuff done. So when I finally leave I have to hurry to my appointment only to find it's been pushed back 3 hours due to scheduling problems and women not understanding how to sit through the pain of a tattoo. Then the snow hit Charleston. So of course the owner closed the shop early due to the idiots on the road. Which meant I only got started on the tattoo. So I got screwed out of some money, at least in the short term. And after starting to have a couple of good days in a row I'm back to trying to get a friend to understand my feelings.

I'm pretty vocal about what's going through my head. I've found it's a lot easier to go ahead and say what I feel needs to be said to avoid any issues. Or bring the issues to the foreground, and avoid wasting time either being angry or confused. So of course, I'm unable to get a straight answer. It's a simple question; do you see a place for me as more than friends in your future. Not your present, not your past, but your future. Meaning do I have a shot or is it the friend zone forever. I just want to know where I stand so I can sort out a bunch of my feelings. And with no real answer provided I'm left to wonder. My issue now it who do I make happy? Cut and run and hope I'm happy? Or stay and make her happy that we're friends and I'll be miserable the whole time? Nothing could be finer! Sometimes I just want a map laid out in front of me showing me the right way to go. I can deal with the bumps normally, but I want to know the road is leading me in the right direction. I've been so lost lately I don't even know which was is up. Oh well, one more try now and then I'll guess the question was answered for me anyway.

And now she's gone

Well, Tiffi is home again. I put her on the plane 8 hours ago, she's been home for about 3 now. I was missing her as soon as I watched her walk through security. She arrived after a little delay on Thursday evening and I'm sure she saw my face light up when she crossed the security line. I tried to take her around and do some of the tourist type stuff before the rain started. It was unfortunately a cold and rainy weekend. I had hoped she'd get to see some of the beauty and experience some of the warm weather but that just wasn't the case. Let's see, what else happened? A few good meals, a few drinks and hours of just talking. About what? Everything! Stupid stuff, serious stuff. All the things that a best friend is around for. That being said I sure do miss seeing her in person every week like I used to be able to 5 years ago. It was my decision to move away, she's not to blame. My reasons were selfish but right. We've become closer lately and I'm more than grateful for that. Grateful isn't even close to the right word. I'll have to really think about what word will actually express what I'm trying to say. She's my best friend folks, I'm lucky that she's let me into her life. I feel so lucky in fact. And while we start texting EVERY DAY around 8 am I've figured out what I miss the most about not being near her. She'll say it's her ass, but it's her laugh. It's heartfelt and uncontrollable. It's catchy and honest. I know that I'm funny at times, it's something I work at. But with her I only get an honest laugh when I'm actually funny. I think that's going to be the thing I hate the most about the 1300 miles between us. All that being said, I'm off to finish getting myself set up for work and to turn up the music. Any more of the all Tiffi love fest and I'll end up just as misty eyed now as I was leaving the airport. I'll see her again in July when I head back to Maine for Lisa's wedding. And the 5 months until then will drag on by, I'm sure of that. If you're reading this Tiffi, I miss ya lovie!

Television

I sure do wish I understood why so many people dedicate so many hours to watching tv. I just don't get it. I keep hearing everybody talk about this show and that show. I just don't have the dedication to sit down and wait patiently for a show to come on once every week. Well, that's not true. I do watch just about everything MMA related pretty religiously. And the only actual scripted tv I watch is CSI: Las Vegas. I've gotten into a few shows since they were released on DVD but I've never watched them during the actual time slot allowed. I love Scrubs and How I Met Your Mother but I never watched an episode on time. Why plan on not being able to hang out and enjoy life for 2-3 hours a night some nights just because a time killer is on. That's what friends are for. Live life, kill time when you're sick in my book.

This year so far...

Once again, I've been slack. January is almost over and I've written nothing. Time to fill you in on the last 30 days.

Christmas was good this year. The whole immediate family was together for the weekend. The girls got spoiled, the rest of us did as well and it was good to be around family. New Year's was a party at Dirty's house yet again this year. I hope she'll continue to do it in years to come, it's been fun each year. Though we'll need to find a way to keep Cheryl awake until midnight at some point. She's 0 for 2 so far.

Work has been crazy. The transition from AS400 to SAP has gone pretty smoothly but the hiccups have been some pretty inconvenient ones. No biggie, we'll power through them and by the end of next month it'll be clear sailing. I've once again been given a great review, but the raise never seems to match the review. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at all. I'm happy to still have a good job that I'm very good at. I just really like money. I like making it, I like spending it. We'll see what the next year brings, maybe a promotion finally.

I think I'm finally coming into my own in my personal life. I'm really starting to have a firm grasp on who I am as a person. No more trying to figure it out I hope. I'm thinking this is going to be the year I finally meet somebody who realizes that I've got a lot to offer. It feels right finally.

That's it for now. Time to get out there and live some!