I'm just saying

So, I'm going to go ahead and share a post I was sent last night from a friend of mine.  She told me that when she read it, she immediately thought of me.  And for that, I'm very flattered...

We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her - and a man who compliments her. A man who spends money on her - and a man who invests in her. A man who views her as property - and a man who views her properly. A man who lusts after her - and a man who loves her. A man who believes he is God's gift to women - and a man who remembers a woman was God's gift to man...And make sure our boys become that kind of a man. Value yourselves girls/ladies.......you are SO worth it!

Now, with that all being said, all I can say is thank you.  Thank you for noticing and thank you to my parents for teaching me the correct way to treat people.  And a sincere thank you to my father for being my role model.

Had to share this pic, something about it is just really sexy to me.

Best response ever...

Rarely will you hear me brag.  Well, seriously brag that is.  I joke about some stuff with a high level of swagger pretty much daily.  But I asked a semi-serious question the other day, and got a very sincere response which kinda made my day.  I'll share it just this once....

Well, i like you for everything that you are. I like you for the way you make me feel. For the way you always express what you're feeling - good or bad. For the good communication we have. For the way you make me laugh when i don't even wanna smile. For your green eyes :-P For the fact that you're going to always try hard to keep us happy. For the way you wake up with every intention of making that day better than the last. For the way you always try to be a better person. For the way you handle situations. For the confidence i feel that you're going to be honest, no matter what the case......


That right there will warm your little black heart!!

It's been a hot minute...

So, it's been a hot minute since I've posted on here. The reasoning is because everything has been going really well. It's also been busy already so it's been hard to sit down and keep the thoughts going. Here's a recap.

I've been watching the girls a lot lately. It's been pretty damn fun. They may argue but most of the time they're well behaved and we manage to have some fun before bed time.

We've been to the beach a few times already this year. Now that the weather is staying about perfect, I hope to go more before it just gets too hot. Nothing wrong with girls in bikinis to say the least.

John's bachelor party in town was a ton of fun. And a very late night. Can't shed the details on here since this is mostly PG. Though I will say the strippers didn't hit him with the belts nearly as hard as we wanted.

The Johniffer wedding was just the other day. It was a damn beautiful day and it seemed like everyone had a blast. I know I had a ton of fun and felt honored to be a part of it. And again, a HEAVY drinking day. All of them back to back lately hasn't helped the weight loss at all. Time to really buckle down again.

I've been making new friends lately which is always good. Though I've had to kick a few people out of my life about the same time because I can't handle them anymore. In recent months I've been really happy. A couple of crappy days here and there but really very happy. I just can't handle people's crap anymore. I work hard to clean up my own stuff, I'm so very tired of hearing people spew the same crap over and over again. Oh well, as always it's their loss.

And on top of the new friends I've been getting closer with a couple of old ones. Not old in years, we're all about the same age. But I've known them for a long while and never imagined any of us would be getting closer like we have.

So, that's the quick recap. I'll try to fill you in more later. Time for some fun though.

Welcome Fall!!!

I'm sure the timing on this one is going to seem a bit odd, given the fact that it's warm and muggy today.  But I for one am really excited that Fall is starting to make an appearance.  It's my favorite season.  I love living in jeans and a sweatshirt.  It's the one thing I miss about living up north.  Apple picking was always a giant production, and a little bit of a pain in the ass, but still totally worth it.  There's not much better than warm apple crisp and vanilla ice cream on a fall day.  And the change in seasons is one of the things I think I'm missing out on.  I'm never going to be a tourist and go back for the "leaf peeping" and all that crap.  But maybe next year, if I do head back up, I head to Maine in the fall instead of mud season like I have in the past.  So welcome Fall!  I've missed you.  And thanks for bringing back football season too!

Nothing like wishing you had something to say.

Things are a little slow right now, so I'm going to take this opportunity to just start rambling.  Things have been going pretty well in recent weeks.  There has been some drama, but that's all behind me now.  I do feel like I'm doing a better job of focusing on the positive stuff and dumping the negative stuff as quickly as it shows up.  It's football season, something I've been waiting for since the last day of last season.  There really isn't anything like all of us getting together pretty much every Saturday for the games.  With 3 tv's going, and the booze flowing, hilarity almost always ensue.  Thought the vibe this year is a little different.  Last season the ladies were pregnant.  This season, there are kids everywhere.  It's changed the tone a bit, but it's still a great way to kill pretty much an entire day.

Ok, that managed to kill just a couple of minutes.  I'm going to go get some actual work done real quick then come back to it.  Maybe then I'll actually have something to say.

Not quite to plan

There's just something to be said about walking up to the fork in the road and intentionally choosing the harder path.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I could clearly see both ends of the fork.  I had an idea as to where each path would lead me, but the bends in the road make it harder to be sure.  So, I took the road that led to the destination I want to arrive at.  I know for a fact this road is way more difficult.  But the "what if I didn't ever try" factor was just too damn high to pass up.  The potential reward is so worth the trip.  I've taken a couple of bumps so far.  Nothing too severe, no broken bones yet.  But there's this feeling that when you choose the path, you also choose how the road goes.  At least with me there was.  Like, I knew how hard it would be, but it's all OK.  It's on my terms.  It's my version of manageable.  But then life turns around as you get complacent and lets you know that it's never on your terms.  So, with a new bruise I pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on the path.  Cause I think I can almost see the end.  And it's a better ending than I originally pictured.

23 August 2011

Cause that's the best thing I can think of to start this.  There have been a ton of things going on in my life the last couple of weeks.  But nothing I'm going to sit here and share.  Which is odd.  Normally I'm all about sharing my experiences.  Minus the couple of stupid arguments, it's been all so far beyond go I don't know how to describe it. 

As planned, 2011 has been a big year.  And continues to move in that direction.  The housing situation has pretty much fully resolved itself.  I knew that was going to take some time.  I'm still in a holding pattern for a bit longer, but may finally be within my reach. 

I've made hugely positive changes in my life.  I've eliminated the people that create drama.  I've been supportive of friends, and tried to be a good friend to the people I care about, but have also started looking out for myself.  And that never happened before. 

I'm not stressed anymore.  Well, not like I used to be.  I'm happy.  And I credit a large part of that happiness to a great woman.  Her smile and attitude have had a large impact on me.  I can't help but smile her when I see her.  And we've been spending a lot of our free time together.  And for the first time in a long time, I see a future with this girl.  And she sees something very similar.  While the whole situation may be complicated, and not something I ever saw myself in, I have a good feeling it's all going to work out just fine.

An amazing feeling

So many of my friends have talked to me in the past about knowing when they met "the one."  And I've always written those conversations off as great stories but just not practical to the real world anymore.  Well in recent months those thoughts have changed. 

It's been awhile since I met her.  Easily 8 months.  I'd noticed her from afar for a long time.  And finally I grew the balls necessary to strike up a conversation.  Since then it's been nothing but good times.  We've hung out a fair amount.  Had a ton of serious conversations.  Had more stupid and silly ones.  There are so many things I could say about this girl that are amazing.  But most importantly to me right now is the way she makes me feel.  I can honestly say I've never felt this good.  Or this happy.  She's a damn amazing woman.  And if this is the feeling you were all talking about before, you should have described it as such.  There's nothing I won't do to spend time with her.  There's nothing I won't do to keep this feeling alive. 

She knows who she is.  She knows I'm crazy about her.  And every day that I am lucky enough to know her I'm going to treat her as amazingly as she's treated me.

Jealousy

So since I'm not a jealous person by nature, I would really like someone to explain to me what the hell would cause a normal person to flip out over something simple.  I have my own hang ups about really various stuff, but you can't try and control someones every actions and imagine that they'll respect you.  I'm insecure, but being an asshole just because of that insecurity has never crossed my mind.  I just don't get it, and I see it all the time.  So please, someone please explain...

A simple smile.

It is absolutely amazing how just a simple smile can actually change your day.  With the way everything has been going for me lately, I can't help but have great days.  I really and honestly love my life.  That being said, it's not without it's bad moments.  Nothing major, just annoyances or irritations.  But there has been a pretty constant smile in my days.

To those of you who I talk to that are smiling, happy people... thank you.  I am often surrounded by idiots and negative people.  I understand how crappy getting up in the morning is.  But I don't walk into work set on being an asshole to people just cause I'm up.  And I'll admit there's been this one infectious smile recently.  Every time I see it, I can't help but smile bigger.  And I can't get enough of that feeling.  I hope more than anything at this point that it never goes away.  And I intend to do my best to pass that feeling along to as many other people as possible.  So get ready, it's time for a big group smile.

Summer breeze

I've been luck this year and I've actually been able to enjoy our summer hours.  Last year was kind of a modified work week so I didn't get to take full advantage.  I'll tell you what's been awesome about getting out of work at noon every Friday for the last month or so and what I'm looking forward to enjoying for the rest of the summer.

1.  Day drinking while other friends are still at work.  There's been something satisfying about getting a beer (or 3) with lunch knowing others can't.  Though I haven't had any in the last 3 weeks.  But once I get closer to the goal weight I'll get back to having some fun.

2.  Lunch with a good looking girl.  I've been getting closer to this girl recently.  It seems like we're becoming pretty decent friends.  I enjoy her company a lot.  She's always in a good mood, she smiles a ton.  And that makes me smile.  We've spent the last few Fridays sitting and talking over lunch or while we're just walking around.  It's been a blast getting to know her, hope it continues for a long time to come.

3.  Shopping.  I enjoy shopping, though not just for the fuck of it.  I don't have any problem going to the mall, unless I'm just going to wander around.  My version of shopping is easy.  Get in with a game plan.  Buy or not buy depending on what I find.  Leave.  It's easy.  I won't go wander around aimlessly just looking at stuff. 

4.  Getting everything done before the weekend starts.  I know technically it started at 12:00 when I punched out, but it feels like a freebie.  So far I've been able to get all of the stupid running around done before 5 on Friday that I would have done on Saturday.  Which leaves my weekends wide open to nothing but pure fun.  And there's typically less people out on Friday so I don't have to deal with nearly as many stupid people.

5.  The beach.  Nothing says fun like killing a few hours in the sand and water.  And getting out there before it gets crowed is a huge plus. 


And so far on the agenda for the rest of the summer's Fridays.  Cookouts, lunches with friends, trips out of town and a ton of various fun.  So bring it on summer, I'm already ready already!!

Just cause I can't stop listening to this album...

"Little Hell"

What if I can't be all that you need me to be
We've got a good thing going, we have some promises to keep
But my addiction it can be such a detriment
Please believe in this my dear, I am more than penitent

What if everything’s just the way that it will be
Could it be that I am meant to cause you all this grief
My war ships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart
And my aim is steady and true as it's been right from the start

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

So when we leave it'll be a quick midnight escape
We'll disconnect ourselves from all of yesterday
I'll dig for water and fashion our very own wishing well
Then we'll throw our coins down hoping to rid of us of this little hell

There's a degree of difficulty in dealing with me
From my haunted past comes a daunting task of living through memories.
If we could just hang a mirror on the bedroom wall, stare into the past and forget it all

Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell
Will we get out of this little hell

Back in the saddle again...

Yet again it's been a hot minute.  Time to stop the bullshitting and get back to it.  But you know how it goes, time is in heavy demand.  Looks like everything is starting to get into a nice summer rhythm so I should be able to get back into the stable routine.

So what's been going on?  Nothing amazing, just staying constantly busy and moving forward.  The only thing I've been admittedly slack on are the work outs.  Nothing like putting 9 pounds on in 2 months to get you fully motivated.  It's something I'd been putting off, hoping I could do it my way, but it's that time.  The D word.  Diet.  My work in the gym has been good, when I'm there.  But I have been eating what ever I want.  And drinking most weekends.  Well, I've got a couple more hours left to enjoy life.  Starting at midnight, no more soda or beer.  And I'm headed back to eating way better.  Zero fast food, cutting the intake down again to about 1800 calories a day.  Plus going back to 2 workouts a day, 5 days a week with 1 long workout on the weekend.  So heres a toast to the next couple of months of being miserable.  I know it'll be worth it,  I should be slightly less than 3 months away from my goal weight.

Well, that's all the time I have for this evening.  It's about time for a crappy movie with Nick.  I do love the routine!

Real quick

This is going to serve as a heads up for those of you who don't seem to understand me on this one point. Take notes, I'm not going over it again. Not terribly often, something you may say in jest will either offend me or hurt my feelings. And, unlike everyone else you all seem to deal with, I'll tell you immediately that it bugged me. I'm not looking for an apology, I'm just letting you know so that you won't do it again. The worst possible response in this situation is "Suck it up, it was a joke." That single mentality will piss me off to no end. That stems from years of having my feelings, when I did express the ones that weren't anger, dissmissed because "I took something wrong." Guess what... doesn't matter how you meant it. The reality is how I feel at that moment. And if you don't understand that, we're going to have big problems. Cause I work really hard to not dismiss any of your feelings.

Why suicide is a coward move.

I just don't understand people. You have an extended family that obviously cares about you. You have 2 daughters that you care about. I know times are tough, and I know it's a sickness. But just so you know in advance, if you make it through all this crap I'm going to kick your ass. Literally, I'm going to get on a plane, come to your house and severely kick your ass. I know we don't talk as often now as we used to, but we're still close. So you should be able to tell me what's going on in your head. I know you miss your mom and Gram. We all do. But to take the easy and extremely selfish road out is a chicken shit move. And don't think I'm going to forget this crap either.

And yet nothing happens.

I feel a little slack right now. It's been a while since I've sat down and started writing again. The only issue is that after sitting here and thinking for a bit, I've got nothing to write about. There's a ton of things going on in my life right now. But nothing really stressing me out. Or nothing interesting enough to feel the need to vent. Which is good because it just proves that I tend to lead a pretty damn drama free life. It seems that other people spend a pretty good amount of time bringing it to my doorstep. But, since I'm not entertaining the thought of dealing with it, it's gotten smaller and smaller. I've stopped talking to a couple of the people that kept it coming. Which was a tough decision, but why deal with whores when you don't have to!?

Alright, it's time to catch up with Nick who I've barely seen lately. And that of course means us hanging out and mocking a crappy movie. Ahh, good times!!

Damaged women

Sean and I were talking about this yesterday, guess it's a topic good enough to start off the day.

We'll call her Girl D. She and I have been hanging out fairly regularly for close to 3 weeks now. And not just in a post midnight kind of way. It's still nothing serious at all, I think we both just seem to enjoy the company. Which is absolutely fine. Sometimes I really do just enjoy a nice chill evening relaxing with good company. I can't sit here now and tell you a damn thing "wrong" with her. She's pretty, funny, extremely intelligent and can keep up with the way my mind works. And for some reason, that all kind of frightens me. And Sean summed it up best. I like girls that are a little damaged. Quirky. Carrying around some baggage. He doesn't think I like the fix-er-uppers, but thinks I'm slightly drawn to the ones that need some help. Which, when we looked back at the girls I've spent any real time with, makes perfect sense.

So the dilemma is the following... what now? I think the only logical course of action is to just ignore my dumb ass and keep on moving forward. I know the group would like to see me with someone "normal." I've worked too hard on my own demons to try and take on someone else's. I'm guessing some time soon she and I will have to sit down and have the talk. And not the "let's make this serious" talk. It's the "watch out for the dumb ass that is me" talk. I'm confident she'll understand though. She already gets me, the extra info would only help her out. And if she turns tail and bails, I wouldn't blame her.

I've got nothing

It's been a busy stretch, but for some reason I'm at a loss for a topic. I could sit here and vent, but I've really got nothing worth venting about. That's not to say there's nothing going on, but I've got it almost all fully managed for right now. So, I'll leave you with a couple quick quotes and hope that tomorrow's posting is a bit more exciting.


"You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.”

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.”

6 days

I guess it started a little longer ago, but for the sake of this story we'll go with 6 days.

In keeping with the thought process where I'm just going to go ahead and call people out on their crap when they bring it to me, I managed to piss off Girl A last week. She had it coming, I'd bitten my tongue for long enough. Plus, I'd had just enough alcohol to turn off the filter. So me being me, I said everything I'd held back for the last 6 months or so. It felt awesome.

Some of the information coming from Girl A in the middle of the text war was information that I'd never shared with her. But, they sound eerily familiar to conversations I'd had with Girl B. So I text Girl B to get some info. Girl A and Girl B work together but aren't really friends. Or so I was told, I don't believe that now. So when I call Girl B out, she tells me that she's shared no information and that Girl A must have taken her phone and looked through it. Right, I'm apparently stupid enough to believe that.

The argument with Girl B went on over the course of a couple of days. Near the end of that text war I get hit with Girl C. Seems her current squeeze dislikes my choice of words in texts. Turns out, with women who are in a relationship at least, they can't be called beautiful by someone else. You all know me. I use beautiful, gorgeous and kiddo with pretty much everyone. Well, not the guys at least. In my defense, I've been using the same language from the very beginning of me being single, so that's 5 years now. Never had a problem before. What bothers me about it is that it's not meant as anything more than me being me. And Girl C knows that. But in an effort to avoid an argument I get spoken to. With no chance to argue for myself or defend my behavior. And both of these discussions are going on while I'm trying to get ready to go spend time with Girl D. Kinda makes for a frustrating evening.

And now that it's all out and I'm done venting I'm going to get out there and enjoy my weekend.

People watching

We all do it. It's awesome. Now, I won't ignore a conversation I'm having over lunch to just stare at people and judge them but it's something fun to do. Just a couple of observations John and I made while drinking in Savannah over the weekend.

If the girl you are bringing out is wearing a dress (and a nice dress at that) you, as a man, need to do better than you did. Nike Shox, jeans, a polo shirt that is a ridiculous color and a backwards cap isn't going to cut it. And nothing matched either. At least put some effort in. She obviously did.

Baseball hats are not crowns. So when you're wearing one, it should be on your head. Not just resting on a small portion of your head. And I think most of us agree that the brim of the hat should either face forward or backwards. I'm not going to take points away if you wear it slightly askew but let's not get ridiculous.

I have tattoos. I'll answer any questions you might have about tattoos. But I was also raised by a very sweet and caring woman and a firm father. I have manners. Please do a little better trying to hide the fact that you're shocked when I say please and thank you.

If you are dressed in such a way that half of your ass or most of your chest is on display, don't give me the dirty look for checking you out. I'm pretty discreet but come on! You came out to a bar full of military guys on a Saturday evening. They're drinking, you knew what you were getting into. Stop acting so surprised.

That's all I can remember for the minute. I know there was more, I'll add to the list whenever I think of them.

Your attitude

If I take time out of my day to make sure you're having a good day, leave your crap at the door when we talk. I know that I tend to have more free time than most during the work day. It's not that I'm not busy, I'm just very efficient normally. I can knock out my own stuff and still make time to say hello without taking away from anything. And I understand that many of you lead way more involved lives than I do. My life is pretty damn simple. No significant other. No kids. When I leave work, that's the last time I have to deal with it until I return tomorrow. But that's done by my choice.

Understand this please. I check on you because I care. Not because I'm bored. And if you're having a crappy day and it's not my fault, don't start snapping at me. When you do, I always tell you I'll just talk to you when you're in a better mood. And yet almost every time I get snapped at because I made the decision to walk away and keep my good mood going. When I'm having a hard time, you don't hear from me. Or, I immediately tell you I'm not in the mood to talk and I'll get at you when the timing is better.

If you don't like your job, do something about it. If you don't like the people at your job, do something about it. If you don't like the way your spouse spoke/treated you, do something about it. If you don't like your kids attitude, do something about it. Great news, I'm not the cause of any of that stuff. So quit coming at me like I've had anything to do with it. If you want to vent, you've got my number. But if you want a fight, I'm the wrong guy. Because I don't fight fair. I will deliberately hurt your feelings to get you to shut up. You won't like my attitude when I finally get fed up with dealing with your crap.

It writes songs for all to hear...

Let's start by saying that I'm not super creative. I like to think that at times I can be but normally I fail pretty hard at it. I am not now nor will I ever be an artist. I can barely draw stick figures. I'm still working on learning to play the guitar. I still suck at it, but that comes from not practicing enough or as consistently as I was at the end of last year.

I will say I am envious of a few musicians ability to put pen to paper. We've all heard about my vast appreciation of music. The style of music will dictate what I'm more concerned about. If it's hip-hop or r & b, it's all about beat. I know the lyrics are going to be the same from artist to artist. And better yet, they're going to be about stupid stuff. We get it, you like rims and hoes. I do to, just not to the same level at all.

The current kick is lyrics. I'm obsessed with a couple of songwriters right now. The way they seem to be able to consistently put amazing thoughts on paper is beyond me. And of course, while open to my own interpretation and feelings, the stuff seems deeply personal. Having had a conversation or 2 with someone who's written some amazing stuff I've determined it's just the way their brains are wired. In the same way I'm great at math, they're great at expressing themselves. Now, I can do okay in a conversation or 2. That is unless my brain just shuts off and I space out for a minute. And I do have a problem with speaking too quickly. But I'm trying to slow down. And I'm trying to come up with some mind blowing stuff to write about. I'm just having a hard time keeping that side of my brain fired up. Hopefully by acknowleding it, I'll be more focused on doing better at expressing myself. More to come!

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children...to leave the world a better place...to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Hot girl complex

Dear girl I saw at the bar on Friday,

Let me start by saying that yes, you are a decent looking woman. You were dressed well. Not slutty at all, but still very cute and fun. You also have a nice body and a pretty face. But the hot girl attitude has to go. Even though we never spoke, I over heard you talking to some of your friends. Sweetheart, you are not Brooklyn Decker. You look like almost every other "Charleston girl" I've seen since I've lived here. You are a good looking woman though, I'm not denying that at all. I'd be more that stoked if you paid me some attention. But your attitude was just a little too much. I appreciate swagger. I have some of my own. But I also don't think nearly as highly of myself as you seemed to evaluate yourself. I'm not trying to be an asshole, that's why I didn't call you out on it. But do us all a favor, take it down a notch. Maybe then Brian will call you next time. I bet he likes you like you think he does, but the attitude is a bit much.

Warmest regards,

Normal guy who wasn't trying to eavesdrop but couldn't help it.

Still on a quotes kind of kick...

To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.

Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.

The big party

So, I think I've had the start of this conversation with a couple of you but nothing really in depth yet. This one is important so get this one right.

If something unforeseen happens and I die earlier than the rest of you luck bastards, here's the in depth description of how I want the finale to go.

Step 1: You will cremate me. I do not want to be in a box in the ground. If any of my organs are still usable, give them away to whomever can use them. I don't care at all what you do with my ashes. Throw them out, scatter them, snort them... I don't care at that point.

Step 2: I have more than adequate life insurance. The bills will get paid. Take the rest and throw what can only be described as the most epic party ever. I don't want a wake or a funeral. I don't want anything depressing. I try hard to spread some joy to every one of you all every day. So, in remembering me you'll have a party. And not just a party, and epic party. A "Boobs and Bombs Party." You will hire women, cute women with big titties. They will wear either bikini tops or really tight tank tops. They will carry around jagerbombs on trays. You will do the shots. You will not argue with me. "But I don't like jager!" I don't care. In my memory you will toast and do the shots. The music will also have to be amazing. You all know how I tend to dj most of the stuff we do. And you all know how important music is to me so make some good choices.

Tiffi was going to be in charge of hiring the women, but since she thinks there should be guys there for the women to look at she's lost that responsibility. John gets it instead. He knows the kinds of women I like, he'll do alright. In the coming months many of you will be getting your individual responsibilities so you're not caught off guard. And again, nothing depressing. So help me, I'll haunt you if you pull some weak shit.

Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.

That being said, I'm still working on figuring out my own stance on everything. It's still a rolling target too. Things I think I believe yesterday don't seem to hold the same weight today. I really have a tendency to try and make others happy more often than not. That's been the topic for my focus lately. It's time for that mentality to take a walk. I'll still do all the small things that I believe some of you appreciate. But I'm going to call you out on the bullshit. I'm going to do what I want, even if you disagree. I'm going to live my life from this point forward with a level of personal integrity that I can be happy with. It may never match what your level is. It's a rolling target. I'm OK with that. But I'm stepping my game up on an almost daily basis. I've yet to see you even try. In fact, I think some of you are falling back again. Normally I'd be right there to pick you up and carry you with me. Not really feeling that anymore. I told you all this was going to be a big year for me. I kept thinking that you'd all be here with me at the end, but it's not looking so good for some of you now. And while that may go completely against my first instinct, I'm not going to wait around. I may look back from time to time though and remember the good and bad stuff. And if you want help, just ask. I'll help you get moving forward however I can. But you have to take the initiative for a change.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

"But what is the good of friendship if one cannot say exactly what one means? Anybody can say charming things and try to please and to flatter, but a true friend always says unpleasant things, and does not mind giving pain. Indeed, if he is a really true friend he prefers it, for he knows that then he is doing good.”

And that's why I really do believe that if you're my friend, you're going to hear me say things you don't want to hear. Not because I don't care about you, but because I do in fact care. I'll support almost every decision without a second thought as long as you present it as though you've given it some thought. I try pretty hard not to judge anyone I call my friend. I know I do things worthy of judgement pretty damn often. But then again, I've never claimed to be anything close to perfection. I'm just a fairly normal dude. I make mistakes pretty consitently, and I'll admit when I'm wrong. I try to not be an ass when I tell you stuff you don't want to hear. But, if you push me don't think I won't push right back. I'm not that pushover you used to know.

attitude

I believe the single most significant decision I can make on a day-to-day basis is my choice of attitude. It is more important than my past, my education, my bankroll, my successes or failures, fame or pain, what other people think of me or say about me, my circumstances, or my position. Attitude keeps me going or cripples my progress. It alone fuels my fire or assaults my hope. When my attitudes are right, there is no barrier too high, no valley too deep, no dream too extreme, no challenge too great for me.

If you see me talking on the phone

If you see me talking on the phone, DON'T TALK TO ME! If you see me on the phone, you've found me. Unless I'm walking around a store and shopping, then you just see me in passing. But, by the time I get to the counter to pay for stuff, I'm off the phone. If you start talking and don't realize I'm on the phone, that's ok. Just stop talking to me when you see I'm on it.

And if you're on the phone with me, STOP HAVING OTHER CONVERSATIONS. That shit drives me nuts. I try to not have other conversations when I'm talking to you. Doesn't always work. That's where the first half of the rant comes into play. But I try. So, please, do me a favor and try and tighten up your game.

Forward progress

"We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."

And that about summarizes where I think I'm at today. I'm trying to get myself pointed in the right direction emotionally. And I think I'm at the point where I need to stop, turn around, and start over on a new road.

I've warned more than a few people I'm fully capable of being an asshole. I still think I'm a nice person by nature. I think the asshole comes out when I'm defending myself or when I've just had enough of someone's crap. And I've noticed lately that the amount of crap I feel like dealing with is getting smaller and smaller. I'm still trying to understand why I act like an asshole in an effort to push people away. I'm guessing it's just the level my level of immaturity. And a show of selfishness. I'm very flexible, and I'll give you the world if you ask for it. So when I ask for something and don't get it, I get extremely frustrated. I may just have to lower the standards some more I guess. I don't ever expect perfection from people. But I think I hold them to the same standards I hold myself to. And that's not fair to you at all. No offense, but you can't keep up with me. I set my own bar extremely high so I have something to push for every single day. I set attainable goals, but throw in a couple that I'll have to really drive for to get done. I guess that I've always assumed that other people do the same thing. Maybe I'm very wrong.

So, now's the time to turn around. Let's get back to the fork in the road and really look at the other road for a second. I won't change who I am as a person, we all know that. But since I'm still working on changing my perception of things, maybe a change in scenery will help.

I spend a ton of time focusing on what' coming next. What's the next step, what's the next move? That kind of thing. I was thinking about it last night actually. So, what if that's wrong? What if I'm not spending enough time in "right now?"

I'm a big planner. I like making plans and try hard not to change them. It gives me something to look forward to. It also gives me something to focus on. You know me, I get really mentally bored really quickly. I still enjoy my day to day stuff. I don't want to say that I don't live "in the now." But I may not focus quite as much on what's going on around me as I should. I say may not because I think I do an ok job. My day to day stuff is a routine, and I like my routine. And I'll still continue to plan. Weekends don't come fast enough normally. And it seems like I'm running pretty much all day every weekend. Which is great! I'm a social guy, I like interacting with people. But I think for the short term at least I'm going to just live in the moment and make sure those moments are amazing.


“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” Buddha

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.” John M. Richardson Jr

Something I read.

“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”


When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are.

Keeping on the theme

What if a demon were to creep after you one night, in your loneliest loneliness, and say, 'This life which you live must be lived by you once again and innumerable times more; and every pain and joy and thought and sigh must come again to you, all in the same sequence. The eternal hourglass will again and again be turned and you with it, dust of the dust!' Would you throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse that demon? Or would you answer, 'Never have I heard anything more divine'?

And the next step is?

So what's the next step once you decide to fix the things about yourself that you don't necessarily like?

I'm going to try working on my shyness again I think. If you put me in a room full of people I don't know, I kinda shut down for just a bit. I can have a conversation with just about anyone. And on just about any topic. I'm fairly well educated and have been exposed to a ton of stuff. That being said, it takes a while before my comfort level is high enough to start talking. So that's what I'm going to work on next. I'm thinking I want to cut down that time to only a couple of minutes. To start at least. I'd like to be able to walk into a group and immediately begin talking when this is all said and done. The problem is this... how do you force social context? I'm not into the bar scene enough to start going out all the time just to be forced to interact. I'm thinking I'm going to try to start making the social circle larger. Start hanging out with friends of friends at first. That's a fairly safe way to get the ball rolling.

So, it's time for you friends of friends to start doing more fun things. I know the weather will be warmer soon, let's start making plans.

And I'll leave you with this...

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose”

George Carlin

Just in the mood for a random quote...

I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.

The trouble with being hot headed.

The trouble with being hot headed is dealing with the consequences after. I'm a very passionate person. Unfortunately, not always in a good way. I tend to get fired up really quickly, often times over what seems like the smallest stuff. It's because I have a hard time letting go of things. I'm not over sensitive, but I take the things that people I care about say to me to heart. Sometimes when I'm not supposed to.

I will defend myself and my friends in some of the meanest ways possible. I fight dirty. I know that I do. I'm working on it still. I had it almost fixed for a long time, but have had a few regressions lately. So here's the scenario. I get irritated just a little and say something about it bugging me but never really addressing the problem. A couple of days later something totally unrelated pisses me off too. And again, I metion that something needs to be addressed but it doesn't. Because I have such a hard time turning off my head, I stew on stuff. Again, something I'm really working on but I'm still a huge work in progress. So after just having something eat at me for a couple of days I'll finally just snap and lash out. And often times at someone who doesn't deserve it. So if that's been you on the receiving end ever, I'm sorry. You know I'm sorry, I always apologize after. But the trouble with being really hot headed is I never let anything sit. I make all kinds of decisions when I'm really angry or really hurt. And of course, they're not the real things I want to happen. But words spoken can't be taken back. No matter how hard I try sometimes.

I know that I'm a good person. I know that I'm a better friend. It's something I try hard at every single day. But I don't always work on myself hard enough. I'm a work in progress and I make a ton of mistakes. But given my larger than life personality, the mistakes aren't ever small. I blow things way out of proportion most times. My issues are my own and I'll ask every one of you to understand that. You all say you know me pretty well. And I think most of you do. So just understand that I'm going to make mistakes. Most likely some pretty huge ones. But if you give me the chance, I'll always try harder to fix them than I did to cause them. You should know that nothing I've ever said in anger is the truth. You should know that I still care about you, those of you in the small circle at least. But understand that I really value your friendship and your opinions. So things you say to me get taken seriously and to heart. I know that I'm a pain in the ass sometimes. But if you look at the positive things I do, that should out weigh the work that I undo every argument. I'm trying to get my baggage under control. I have massive trust issues. But I've worked hard to get the baggage from the foot locker size down to just the carry on. It's still baggage though, just bear with me a little longer please.

And here we go!

"I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.”

Change your life!

I think I've talked about this before but it's come back around again and pissed me off so here we go again. IF YOU DON'T LIKE YOUR LIFE, FUCKING CHANGE IT! For some reason, you fucking people think I exist solely to listen to you bitch about your life. If your life is really as fucking miserable as you constantly tell me it is, then fucking do something about it. "My boyfriend treats me like crap." THEN FUCKING LEAVE! "I hate my job." SO FUCKING FIND A NEW ONE! "My life is just shitty." SO FUCKING DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I'm not big on pity. I'm not going to throw you a pity party. I try really hard to be in a good mood every day I get out of bed. And believe me, there are some days I just want to stay in bed. But the next mother fucker who responds with "What's so good about it!" when I say good morning is getting drop kicked. I'm really fucking tired of all of your shit. Change is hard, I agree with you. But if you're that fucking miserable, then it's time for a change. I quit my job, packed up a small u-haul trailer, moved down the east coast and got divorced in the same month. Change sucks, but sometimes you just have to sack up and do it. Play time is over kids. It's the tough love/come to Jesus point of my life. You're going to start hearing things from me that aren't what you want to hear. Or what you'd ever thought you'd hear me say. I'll still care about you, I'll still support you. But I'm done putting up with your crap on a daily basis. Get ready mother fuckers. I told you 2011 was going to be a big year. And if you're not keeping up then you're getting dropped. That's the reality of the situation. Deal with the changes. And there's lesson number 1!

The point in crying...

I understand that when you women get upset every wire gets crossed. And I understand the need for a good cry session once in a while. But you all know I'm just a huge softie when women I care about cry. It eats me up inside. I know I'm not the cause of the pain at all but it still sucks for me too. All I want to do is give you a big hug, promise you everything will be okay and take every ounce of pain away.

Top 5 lists

I'm sure I've asked everyone this question once or maybe even twice before but here we go again. Who are your top 5 "Rock" vocalists. Rock style music here kids, none of that country garbage. And male and female is fine. I always love a woman with a great voice more. Here's mine, in no particular after #1.

1. Chris Cornell. Hands down, he's got the best over all rock voice in my opinion. I don't particularly like his solo stuff but he just sounds like what a front man should.

2. Freddie Mecury. All talent, all range and he just really put it out there. More points would be awarded for showmanship but this is solely a vocal talent only poll.

3. Layne Staley. Nothing really dynamic about his singing style but he just put everything into it. And makes it sound effortless.

4. Dallas Green. All heart and soul, raw emotion. And I don't care what band you put behind him, it's going to sound like real rock.

5. Robert Plant. I'm not a huge fan of Zeppelin but growing up on it made me appreciate his style.

That's my start, I welcome your opinion. I do love a good music debate.

Has that warm feeling.

Every know and then it's nice to hear that your opinion matters. I've got a few people that consistently ask me for advice. I always offer my opinion. You know me, I've got opinions. ;) And I don't for one second expect anyone to actually follow my advice or take my opinion as something akin to the word of God. But for someone to actually that my opinion of them is important is nice. I've only got a couple of people in my life whose opinion of me and the choices I make is important. And though they don't always agree with the decisions I make but no matter what I've still got support. And that's important. I've been trying harder over the last couple of years to not be so quick to judge. Seems it's actually working. To the couple of you who I know are reading this I'll say the following. I'll support any decision you make. I'll be here no matter what. And even if you move all the way across the country, my phone is always on. And to hear that my opinion is important means a ton to me. I don't always give great advice, but I try hard to think about what I say before I speak. And to know that I matter when it comes to big decisions is nice to hear. Thank you. And thank you for being my friend even when I do some really stupid crap.

When I get sad...

I know it's scripted and all but my go to line for this year is going to be the following. "When I get sad, I stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. True story!"

Let it sink in for just a second. It's good. And since I've already had a pretty fun 2011, I'm going to keep it rolling for the next 361 days. Sure, there will be moments where things will win and get me down. But there's an easy way to move past it. Mind over matter is going to play a huge roll this year. Time spent being negative or sad is wasted time.

That being said though, I'm done being a push over. I've let myself get used in the past when I didn't want to hurt someone's feelings. Or when I just wanted someone to like/appreciate me. I'm done selling myself to people. I figure it's entirely their loss if I'm not in their lives. Pardon the swagger, but I know the level of amazing I bring to the table. Sure, I've got issues and some baggage. But this year is a big year for me, personally. A ton of the baggage is getting lost, maybe sent to the wrong airport. And I don't want it back, keep that stuff.

So here's what you need to get out of this. I'll still be your friend. I'll still make new friends, meet new people often. But the attitude re-adjustment will stick around longer this time. I'm going to be a bit selfish this year. I think I've earned it. I've been selfless for the last 5 years. Sure, I say I've said I was being selfish in the last year but I never was. Not anymore. Oh, and I'm going to start calling you out on stuff. I may not have before, but I will now. I won't be a complete asshole, but the glum, pessimistic Michael is gone. I do big things. I do work. Get yourself on point, on message and let's get this done.